Just Once
by SandXDemonX13
Summary: Jiraiya had only wanted to hear it once... It was too late now though, wasn't it? Oro/Jira, one-shot, sequel to A Past Long Remembered.


Well...again I am posting another one-shot, another Oro/Jira one at that. This is the sequel to _A Past Long Remembered_, but it's not totally important if you haven't read it, I suppose. Although it might make this story make a bit more sense if you have read it. Anyway, I hope that you read, like and review. :)

Rating: T

Pairing: Orochimaru/Jiraiya (established relationship)

Warnings: Shonen-ai, little tiny bit of language and just a tiny bit of kissing between guys (seriously, it's just a kiss on the cheek.) So don't like, don't read.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

**Note: If you can't tell just by reading, the first part (before the break) is all in the past. It's just something that Orochimaru happens to be remembering.**

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**Just Once**

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"...Orochimaru... I'm sorry," there was a part of him that was just a tad bit shocked to hear those words coming so suddenly from his lover and so he turned to him in question. "You've done nothing," he almost reassured before simply going back to what he had been doing seconds before. "Orochimaru... I'm leaving," hearing the softly spoken words caused a chill to run through his body, making his bones feel like ice and his hands stop their movements as if they were frozen. Why was Jiraiya suddenly saying this? Was it because he still had not yet returned the countless number of I love you's?—was it because they argued on occasion? No...he couldn't bring himself to believe that Jiraiya would leave him because of something so trivial...but then why?

"Jiraiya..." he turned around again, almost against his body's will, sounding confused and almost hurt as he finally got his first good look at the man in two days. Jiraiya watched him for a few moments in silence, "I'm going to Amegakure," he finally said, "The leader of the Akatsuki is said to be there..." the explanation was really quite simple and so Orochimaru could only think about it briefly before stepping closer to his lover, angry now. "That's suicide." Jiraiya only smiled softly before he caressed is lover's pale cheek gently, not speaking a word for long seconds as he gazed into the elder's gold eyes. "I'll come back, I promise; I would never leave you here alone."

The words brought Orochimaru no comfort or anything even close to it as he shook his head, knowing, and almost being able to imagine, what would inevitably happen to the man opposite him if he left. "You're not coming back," a loud laugh rang out from the white-haired Sannin as he heard the others doubting words. "Hmm, I'm not, eh?" all the elder could do was shake his head once again, both in answer to the question and out of complete exhaustion. He couldn't stand being around Jiraiya when he laughed so easily about his own demise.

"Really Orochimaru, I'm not coming back? I'm going to die?" he really didn't think that the subject needed to be spoken about any longer, but he had no choice but to reply. "If you go...you will die," it was what Orochimaru believed to be the truth and he could not bring himself to believe any other alternative fate was possible if his lover did indeed go off to Ame.

Jiraiya could only laugh again, though much more quietly this time, before he leaned down to kiss his lover, but Orochimaru wouldn't allow it as he pulled himself away from the man and began to walk away from him. "...Orochimaru..." he brought himself to a stop when he heard his name but couldn't bring himself to move anywhere near the younger man and simply refused to turn and look at him again. "If you're so sure that I'm going to die..." there was a hesitation which made Orochimaru wonder if he wanted to hear the rest of the sentence, "then tell me you love me."

For moments after he heard the Toad Sage's words Orochimaru continued to stare ahead of him but then his golden eyes slowly found themselves staring at the ground. "...Maybe I'm wrong... Maybe you will come back," it was the only thing that he could bring himself to say before he began walking off again, feeling half upset with himself for speaking such a lie when he knew the truth of the situation. "Orochimaru," he didn't gasp, though he was surprised, when Jiraiya was suddenly right in front of him, blocking his only way out of the room.

"Tell me that you feel the same way for me; let me know that I haven't been wasting my time," Jiraiya's tone sounded more serious than Orochimaru had heard in weeks. But for moments he could only watch the white-haired man opposite him, blinking slowly every few seconds as his eyes took in the appearance of the person he knew he wouldn't be seeing again after this. After this...he knew he would again be left alone. "...I feel the same way for you," his voice was weak and strained as he forced the words from himself, knowing that he had spoken exactly what Jiraiya hadn't wanted to hear.

"Then tell me you love me," it was the demand that Jiraiya whispered out forcefully as he grabbed hold of Orochimaru's arm tightly, staring into the man's eyes with restrained desperation. "...I just want to hear it once, Orochimaru... Just..." Jiraiya's eyes closed and he shook his head as his hand fell from his elder lover's arm in defeat. "Just once..." the man being spoken to could hear how desperate the Toad Sage sounded, and hearing the man speak as he was made something in him want to actually say the words to please the man. "I..." it was the only word that would leave his lips at first, yet what followed it was nowhere near the I love you that Jiraiya had nearly pleaded for.

"I...think that you are being completely ridiculous... I'll see you when you return."

Then it was done, he realized, and the only thing left that he could do was walk away from the man after he spoke his icy cold words, his heart pounding so loudly as he walked that he couldn't hear his footsteps any longer.

"...Just once... You couldn't even say it once..." he left the chamber without replying, pretending that he hadn't heard the confusedly whispered words from his, now depressed, lover.

**XxXxXxXxX**

Here again was where he sat, in the same old chamber that Jiraiya had found him in months ago—the same old chamber where memories had been created—the same chamber where his life had been utterly destroyed. He sat again upon his throne with the same impassive expression upon his pale face, which almost fooled him into thinking that everything was fine. _Damn you._ Orochimaru sat in the same chamber with the same look on his face, wishing that he could have changed something—wishing that he didn't want to stab himself in his aching chest so badly. _...Damn you, Jiraiya._

But he knew better; Orochimaru knew better than to think that he could have changed his lover's mind all those moons ago, yet he still wished. He wished and hoped because he had nothing else left except the last fragments of his feelings from the fleeting love he had experienced. _I hope you've gone back to the hell you came from._ Again he was alone...alone in his chamber—his hideout, only with Kabuto and the many experiments that meant nothing to him any longer. _I should be glad that you won't be around to take up my time any longer._ No one would particularly care if he died now, would they? ...Jiraiya would have been the only one...but now it didn't matter. _...Damn you..._

"Orochimaru-sama..." the man looked up slowly, taken away from his wildly scattered musing about his dead lover when he heard Kabuto speak his name quietly. "What is it?" the silver-haired man looked at the Sannin for moments, beginning to wonder if he had come at a bad time, though there was no such thing as a good time anymore, so there was no way he could back away now. "...The memorial..." he started, wondering what kind of reaction his words would receive, but seeing none. "It's being held in a few days and..." Kabuto nearly stumbled over the next words as Orochimaru watched him without seeing him, "Tsunade... Tsunade has...extended an invitation to you."

After hearing the news that Kabuto brought him, Orochimaru sat in thought for a moment, wondering if the woman was actually serious. Could she actually believe that a single person would take kindly to his presence, even if he happened to be attending the memorial of his lover? "...I won't be attending," if it were any other day, any other time, Orochimaru would have gone on for a bit about how Tsunade was a daft old woman who didn't deserve her title. And when he didn't hear the insults from his lord, Kabuto began to grow more concerned for the man then he already was. "...Orochimaru-sama... You need to grieve," his words were said with the best of intentions, "I understand that he was important to you; you deserve to go and remember him."

Though the medic-nin's words were kind and considerate Orochimaru really didn't want to hear them nor anything else that Kabuto might have wanted to say. "Leave," the simple demand caused Kabuto to bow and leave the chamber as quietly as he had entered it, leaving his lord to his thoughts. Orochimaru's eyes closed the moment Kabuto left as he tried, once again, to shut out every thought of the writer, yet again failing horribly. "You deserved your death, Jiraiya..." he had been saying the words for days, trying to make them sound more true, though they never did. "You deserved nothing less when you constantly went searching for it."

He tried so hard not to think, not to remember the words he had heard from the messenger frog days ago, though now it felt so much like years. He tried so hard not to recall how hatefully he had been looked upon by the amphibian before he told him coldly that Jiraiya was dead, disappearing seconds later, leaving him shocked and searching for a chair, though he only hit the floor. "I don't understand," he confided to the air around him, "I don't understand why you would leave. We were..." his eyes opened to stare at the darkness around him as he felt that he couldn't really finish his sentence.

A pale hand gripped the armrest suddenly, almost like it was going to rip it off from anger. "I hate you," there was no longer a part of him that could feel the love that he knew was surely there. All he could feel was hate. Hate was pounding away in his chest, loathing was pulsing harshly in his brain, making his head hurt and fueling his anger even more. "I hate you..._Jiraiya_," with the whispered hiss of the man's name it was gone instantly. Every ounce of anger was completely expelled from his being without him being completely aware of it as he brought his hand up and covered his eyes, trying to block out the world that had seemed to stop moving the day Jiraiya had said he was leaving.

The only thing that was left for him to do was shake his head, feeling like a complete fool for not having done this sooner. "Jiraiya..." he spoke quietly to a man that wasn't there, but that he hoped was somehow, somewhere, listening to his words. "...Jiraiya... I love you," it was such a quiet whisper that, had he been outside, not even the wind would have heard it properly. But as it was, he was in his chamber, the stale around him feeling more like home with every passing moment as he finally admitted it.

"I do even though you are the bane of my existence..."

"...Well...you sure know how to make a guy feel special..." the chill, the same chill from so long ago, the one that sunk into his bones and froze all movement, ran through his veins when he heard those words, spoken so jovially that it almost made him angry. Almost...but not quite...though he didn't know why. Orochimaru didn't speak, didn't move, didn't blink as he wondered if somehow...but no... "Won't you look at me?" there was a hint of begging in the voice he was hearing but he couldn't bring himself to remove his hand from his eyes for a few moments. Yet then, out of pure curiosity, he let his hand fall a few inches, coming to rest over his mouth.

"...Look at me, Orochimaru."

"I am," it was a lie but he didn't think that it really mattered. "You're not. I know that look—you've looked through me enough during my life for me to recognize it now. Look at me," the voice coaxed gently and after a few seconds Orochimaru focused on where he saw the figure of a man. And what he happened to see simply made him think that he had completely lost his mind. "Now... I'm sorry I left like that; it won't happen again."

There was a part of Orochimaru that wanted to believe the words he was hearing—hearing from a man that he had most certainly believed to be dead only moments before, but he couldn't trust the younger any longer... Not even now when he wanted to most. "...The memorial..." he began quietly as his hand dropped from his mouth while he watched his lover carefully, acting as if he wasn't angry at all with the man nor surprised to see him, "_Your_ memorial...is in a few days, as Kabuto has informed me. I suppose you'll be wanting to go and make an entrance there." Jiraiya shook his head at the words as he began to take a short step closer to the dark-haired Sannin in front of him. "Not going," his voice was clear and it sounded like he was nearly singing.

Orochimaru stared at his lover for moments, listening to the words echo around the chamber. "...You're not going to go..." he sounded very disapproving, "They think you're dead," he reminded the younger softly, though part of him wanted to scream at the man. Jiraiya smiled playfully as he leaned down, bringing his face quite close to the elder's, staring into the golden eyes that he had missed while away. "That was the plan," he whispered before moving just slightly to connect their lips in a kiss...a kiss that never was as Orochimaru pushed him away and stood up, now feeling again the anger that had vacated his body earlier.

"..._Plan_... This...this was your _plan_?" Jiraiya believed that his lover was reacting just a bit too badly to his words, and so he stepped toward him again, attempting to comfort the man. "...I don't want to keep leaving you," he began quietly as those golden eyes he so loved glared at him, almost making him want to flinch away. "I can't keep leaving... This was the only way I could think of that kept me from leaving you again." The dark-haired Sannin stepped closer to the Toad Sage, grabbing him by his collar and yanking him down to his height. "You could have _died_!"

"Yes, but I could die tomorrow; you could have died while I was away," he pointed out, "Orochimaru...I promised I would come back and I did, isn't that good enough for you?" Jiraiya acted as if the whole situation meant nothing and Orochimaru could only let him go after a few moments, pushing past him and walking away just after that. "If you're not dead by the end of the week..." he hissed quietly, "then come and see me...because I might just have to kill you." Jiraiya smiled widely at the words as he turned and watched his lover's retreating back. "...Orochimaru..."

And like before, just hearing his name from the man made him stop in his tracks, though he didn't turn around or even think about looking anywhere near him. "Just answer me this before you go," when silence met his words he knew to keep speaking, "...Do you love me?"

Orochimaru remained silent for minutes as he continued to stare ahead of him, finding after only a moment that his eyes rested on the ground. "...Yes," he answered in a whisper, half hoping that Jiraiya hadn't heard it so that he could just leave. "Will you ever tell me...to my face?" silence met the Toad Sage again as he waited for his answer, though fearing that he wouldn't be receiving one at all. But after a few moments Orochimaru began walking away again, yet before he left the chamber completely he did respond to his lover's question.

"No. Never."

And then he was gone, disappearing through the doorway so completely that it was almost as if the darkness of the hall had swallowed him up. Jiraiya, though, could only smile as he slowly walked to his lover's throne and sat upon it, trying to feel Orochimaru's arms around him though he knew he wouldn't feel them for at least another day. "...That's okay then," he whispered to the air, "at least I got to hear it once."

"...You are still the bane of my existence..." Orochimaru whispered as he walked down the hallway, no longer caring in the least that the man he claimed to love was still alive. "I still hate you..." he grew silent as he went to alert Kabuto of Jiraiya's presence. _I love you more than words could ever accurately explain._ He walked on down the hall still, almost unaware of his own thoughts and of his own speech.

"I wish you had died... Then I wouldn't feel as if I'd wasted my precious time thinking about you and your life," he spoke the words angrily but his mind was saying something completely different, something he didn't really want to own up to. _I'm glad you're alive... I'm glad you're safe... I'm glad I have you back..._ And the moment he walked into Kabuto's room in search of the man he had a small smile upon his lips, which, thankfully went unseen since no one was there. "...Jiraiya... I love you."

Seconds later he felt smiling lips against his cheek and his eyes widened in obvious surprise. "That's twice!" Jiraiya whispered into his ear before turning and running off down the hallway before Orochimaru could get his slender hands around his throat. "..." he was silent as he backed out of Kabuto's room, shutting the door quietly as he heard his lover's footsteps fade away. "I hate you," and yet he couldn't help but say the words with the tiniest of smiles on his face. _I love you..._ "So much," he then began off down the hall, in search of the man that he was surely going to kill...but perhaps just by torturing him to death with pleasure.

**Owari**

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A/N: Well there it is, I think that it's pretty good, and I hope that you think so too. I might be able to make a whole series of one-shots about them, but I'm not sure...just depends I guess if you all think I should. I was really hoping for this one to be a bit more in depth, and I think that it kinda is, plus I think that being able to see that Orochimaru often thinks things that contradict his speech is interesting. You get to see a different side of him. So anyway, please review and tell me what you think. Thank you.

SandXDemonX13

TTYFTDS


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